Jazzpunk contains a number of interesting and quirky characters or varying levels of importance. Some drive the story, some are necessary to get various Steam Achievements, and some appear only in mini-games. Others have no impact on the overarching story, but still appear, with silly quick-witted dialogue. Sometimes they will appear in multiple chapters and have interesting dialogue. Some also has secret dialogue only discovered when you use certain items on them.

Main Characters

• Polyblank - The silent protagonist of the game. Full of handy gadgets and lacking a healthy amount of self-preservation instinct.
• The Director - The game's primary quest-giver. He may send you on missions, but don't expect any concrete helpful advice. Just improvise, he's sure you'll do right by him.
• The Editor - The main antagonist. Specializes in kidnapping, murder, and potpourri.

Side Characters

• Secretary IX - Exactly what it says on the tin. She's the Director's secretary, and no one gets in to see him without going through her first. The Director will see you now.
• The Cowboy - He has a very valuable artificial kidney, a love for sushi and Texas Instruments.
• The Lady In Red - The Editor's cohort. No hard feelings, okay?
• The Man in the Rear Pool - A crazed theorist who helps Polyblank escape the simulation.
• The Grunts - Aren’t you supposed to be playing golf?
• The Hobo - A deranged homeless man who appears in several of the missions. He thinks you’re ugly!

Minor Characters

• Milktruck - A real farm since 1904!
• Vase Shop Owner - She's in your debt. She is in overwhelming debt.
• Sushi Chef - He is terrified of spiders.
• Robocop 741 - DON'T RESIST!
• Lemonade Praying Mantis Vendor - Just your average, everyday purveyor of delicious lemonade!
• TV Head - He’s out of puns..
• Sheriff - He wants your gun badge! And your gun.. And your badge.. And your badge gun.
• Johnny - Smells like unwashed tuna cans.. Yuck.
• Robot prostitute - She’ll calibrate your sensor for a dollar.
• Robo Hobo - Don’t over clock your underwear!
• Russian Secretary - You don’t have an appointment.
• Russian Bodyguard - He’s watching you! You have no access.
• Window cleaners - They don’t think you are smart enough to listen to their looped dialogue.
• Frog Hacker - Needs the Wi-Fi hackers.
• Blonde Bachelorette - She wants you to paint her nails!
• Black-haired Bachelorette - Pillow fight!
• Black Bachelorette - She wants to play spin the bottle!
• Robo Butler - Grateful your here to exterminate.. Now get to work!
• Mr. Pie - WOAH! Are you crazy?
• Saxophone player - It’s all about the Jazz man.
• Physics Professor - Elementary physics Polyblank!
• Hawaiian Waitress - She’s too busy being ambiguously exotic! She’s also from Scotland.
• Elevator Bell-hop - He fought in the great elevator wars.
• Bell-hop - When you have the chance, please sign in.
• Bartender - He isn’t sure if he can serve this to humans, also don’t pay in literal sand dollars!
• Chiquita banana - After 5000 years she’s free! It’s time to pucker up!

Mini-Game Characters

• Cassette - Bank-robbing mastermind.
• Synthia - One of Cassette's goons.
• Dot Netrix - One of Cassette's goons. Has a crush on Synthia.
• O.W.L. Referee - Fascinating.
• Psycho Johnny Maniac - He is the cream of the wheat, the syrup of success, the granola of rock-n-rolla.
• Some Honda - It’s underestimated your hand-punch style.